Trump Attends UFC Fight, Beto O’Rourke Drops from Presidential Race
-You guys, my guest tonight
is Chris Evans. That’s right.
[ Cheers and applause ] And right now, even
Chris Pine, Chris Hemsworth, and Chris Pratt are like, “Wait. Which one is he again?” I want to say congrats to
the 50,000 runners who finished yesterday’s New York City Marathon. [ Cheers and applause ] I love the marathon. It’s the one day of year you can
rub Vaseline on your nipples in public and not get arrested. I can’t imagine the excitement
of finishing a marathon. -Yeah.
-For real. I mean, I get excited when
I’m out running errands and I accidentally get
10,000 steps. I’m like, “Oh, my, yes!
I’m sore. Oh, my…” The men and women’s marathon
were both won by runners from Kenya,
which means Kenya is probably home to the world’s
best marathon runners and the world’s most
annoying Instagram accounts. -Oh.
-We get it. The winning time
in the men and women’s race was just over two hours,
or, as that’s known to everyone who didn’t
run on Sunday, roughly seven episodes
of “Friends.” You guys, this weekend
was the end of Daylight Savings Time,
so we all gained an extra hour, which is… [ Cheers and applause ] …which is just what you want
when your kids are home with a pillowcase full
of Halloween candy. Yeah, thanks to the end of
Daylight Savings Time, Americans picked up
one more hour of sleep and one more hour to
boo Trump at a sporting event. [ Cheers and applause ] I guess you heard this
over the weekend. Trump attended a UFC fight at
Madison Square Garden, and he was greeted with
a mix of cheers and some boos. Yep, half cheered, half booed.
Trump was like, “Wow. This reminds me of
my wedding day.” Trump was greeted with
a mix of cheers and boos. Bill de Blasio heard
the reaction and was like, “Please, I’ll take that
any day of the week.” Trump doesn’t seem
thrilled with New York. In fact, it just came out
that he’s changing his legal residence from
New York to Florida. It’s all part of Trump’s plan to
gradually flee to South America. And Trump actually tweeted
about the move, but he misspelled the words
“people” and “wonderful.” Take a look. Yeah, he put
“prople” and “wonerful.” It sounded like he was using
Siri and his teeth fell out. He was like… Meanwhile, it came out that
during the Halloween party at The White House,
kids were asked to help build the wall
with red paper bricks with their names on it. Take a look at this. Yeah.
-Wow. -So far, that’s the only part
of Trump’s wall that’s been built. Can we zoom in
on that, actually? Aww! That’s cute. Aww!
They let them participate. -Sweet.
-Some big 2020 news. Beto O’Rourke has dropped out
of the presidential race. I could tell you’re torn, yeah. At one point,
he was super-trendy, polling in the top three,
but now it’s all over. Yep, even e-cigarettes
were like, “Geez, what the hell happened?” That’s right —
Beto is out of the race. When he heard that,
Bernie Sanders was like, “I guess that makes me the
Democrats’ hot, young beefcake!” That’s right —
Beto threw in the towel. Well, more like he threw in the
sweat-stained blue button-down. Beto is out of the race,
and since he no longer is a member of Congress, that means
he’s actually unemployed. -Oh. -But good news —
there are a lot of jobs he’ll be perfect for. I’ll show you. I mean, for instance, Beto could
be a SoulCycle instructor who has to be told
to tone it down. “All right, take it down.” Or he could be a high-school
Spanish teacher who really emphasizes
the word “frijoles.” And, finally, he could be an
actor who keeps getting typecast as either young John Kerry
or old Shawn Mendes. He has options. He has options.
[ Cheers and applause ] Some entertainment news. I saw that Kanye West
held a Sunday service and even offered
a brunch for $55. -Ooh!
-Can we see the brunch? People who paid $55
for that were like, “Yeezus!” [ Laughter ] ♪♪
Thank you. Hey, guys, some tech news. Facebook announced
that it is rebranding with a new logo
that’s in all-caps. Check it out. Yeah. Yeah, because that was
everyone’s biggest complaint with Facebook — the logo. Yeah, it seems like
Facebook is rebranding. You can tell they’re
desperate for approval ’cause their new mascot is a
Popeyes chicken sandwich. “Everybody wants it. Come on.
What’s not to love?” Papa John’s is introducing
a new crust, for the first time in 35 years,
that’s garlic parmesan. Really? The crust? That’s it? That’s like Spirit Airlines
announcing they’ve removed all the ashtrays
from their armrests. I mean, come on. And, finally, police in Florida
are investigating a murder, and they say the key to
solving it might be what they overheard
by an Amazon Echo. -Ooh!
-Yep. When they asked Alexa
for help, she said… -Snitches get stitches. -We have a great show.