The Conservative Perspective on the Democratic Primary
-The process of selecting
a Democratic candidate to run against President Trump
is well under way. And we can quibble over the fact that there are
too many people running or nitpick
some of the candidates, but I think we can agree
that, to this point, it’s mostly been
a discussion of ideas, as opposed to the contentious
Republican debates of four years ago.
-Oh, here we go again. -I’m sorry. What was that?
-Oh, nothing. You were just elevating
Bernie Sanders to sainthood, as per usual.
Go on. -Uh, I’m very sorry, everybody. This is one of our writers,
Matt Goldich. And, uh,
as you can probably tell, Matt is a conservative.
[ Light laughter ] -Yes, Seth, I’m a conservative. And I’m here to provide
a balanced counterpoint to yet another one of
your performatively woke estroge-torials
about how we should abolish ICE and replace them with
a female Riggs and Murtaugh. [ Laughter ]
-Look, Matt, if you want to provide
your conservative perspective on the show,
write it up and submit it. Don’t just interrupt me.
-Oh, I’m sorry. Next time, I’ll include
a trigger warning. [ Light laughter ] Welcome to the real world,
comrade. I guess it’s a little more
rough-and-tumble than those yoga retreats
you go on with Morley Safer
and Dick Gregory. [ Laughter ] -Matt, I’m pretty sure
both those people are dead. [ Laughter ] -Well, that probably
won’t stop them from fraudulently voting
in the Democratic primary. [ Laughter ] -Look, Matt, I don’t even care that you’re
interrupting the show, as long as you don’t show
the very long graphics package that makes it look
like you’re one of the great conservative luminaries
of our time. -Ah, you must mean the one
that lets people know it’s time for
“The Conservative Perspective.” [ Slowly, heroic music plays ] ♪♪ [ Light laughter ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Laughter ] -That package is way too long,
and it super sucks. [ Laughter and applause ] But, all right, Matt.
Here — You know what? Here’s your chance.
Tell me, as a conservative, why Americans should
re-elect Donald Trump, who has ballooned
the federal deficit to nearly $1 trillion,
which is something conservatives
have always railed against? -Trump? Uh, well, you see — All right, okay, look, Seth, I’m not really
a conservative. I-I just wanted to be on TV like all the other writers
on this show. [ Laughter ] But, unfortunately, there’s
already a basic white guy in his 40s who
steals all the show’s airtime. [ Laughter and applause ] -Gee, thanks, Matt. -I’m talking about you, Seth. -Yeah, I know!
[ Laughter ] -Anyway, I just noticed, when you’re a boring white guy
with no charm, the only way
to get on television is with conservative viewpoints. -Look, Matt, you’re not boring. You don’t need to pretend
to be a conservative just to be on TV.
Just be yourself. -Really?
-Yeah. Just be Matt Goldich.
-Hmm. -Well, in that case, it’s time
for “The Goldich Perspective.” ♪♪ -♪ Hangin’ ’round
downtown by myself ♪ ♪ And I have so much time ♪ ♪ To sit
and think about myself ♪ ♪ And then there she was ♪ ♪ Like double cherry pie ♪ ♪ Yeah, there she was ♪ ♪ Like disco Super Fly ♪ ♪ And ♪ ♪ I smell sexy and candy, yeah ♪ ♪ Who’s that loungin’
in my chair ♪ ♪ Yeah, Mama,
this surely is a dream ♪ [ Music fades ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Matt, I was wrong.
I was wrong. You are a super boring person.
-Yeah, I know. It turns out the real me
isn’t very interesting. -All right, screw you
for wasting our time, Matt.