SURVIVOR POLITICO – BERNIE SANDERS IS ON SURVIVOR? Survivor Meets the Democratic Primaries


39 days. 20 Democrats. One nominee. This is Survivor Politico! [tribal music plays] I know we were running out of water, but
don’t worry I have a plan for that. Well I went and got us some more! While you were gone, Joe tried to segregate our camp. I did not try to segregate the camp, I just thought it could be nice to have an urban section. Yeah, so Joe told me and
Cory we should sit together during meals because we seem to have a lot in common Hmmm He’s gotta go. [smack] What the hell are you doing? The rice! That’s our only food! Relax, girlfriends! We don’t need this silly food, we’ll get our energy from the sun just like the plants do. You crazy witch! I’m tired of your hoodoo voodoo nonsense. I’m starving over here! If any of you me, I’ll be removing all the negative bugs from our camp. I’ve never liked Bernie. He doesn’t believe in the power of crystals. Come on in, guys! Let’s get to today’s reward challenge. Now, for today’s challenge each team has to retrieve an important American artifact. There is an American flag and a McRib sandwich, back for a limited time. The catch! The team member who will be retrieving the item will be blindfolded. It is up to their team to guide them to the object. The first team to retrieve
their artifact wins Reward. Want to know what you’re playing for? [cheers] The winning team will
receive a week of immunity from FOX News. That means don’t reporting, no questions
about where you were born, and no suggestion that you ran a white slavery ring out of a TJ Maxx. Sound worth playing for? Yeah! [cheers] Stripes you have an extra
member on your team, who’s sitting out? Jeff, I’ll sit this one out. We all know I’m going soon anyway. For the stripes we have Pete Buttigieg! For the stars, Joe Biden! Democrats ready? Go! [cheers] Pete if you walk 27, you will be 20 percent closer to 43 thirds percent of the objective! I’ll give you a thousand dollars! I don’t need my eyes, Jesus will guide me! No! Joe! Walk to your left! No, your other left! To your left! You idiot! What the hell are you doing? Oh! Oh my god! Joe! You can’t! Oh my god! Are you okay? Oh I’m fine, for what is this flesh suit but a vessel for my soul? Remember why you’re here! Why did you leave your campaign for this? No one knows. But, uh, we’re glad you’re here. Looks like they are neck in neck, who’s gonna emerge victorious? Almost to that American flag- Okay, looks like the, uh, DNC is going to be giving some special assistance to Joe. Uh… Okay… Well…c’mon Pete! [victorious music plays] Yahoo! I won! Congratulations team stars! Enjoy your reward. Now I have one more surprise for y’all. Drop your buffs, It’s the merge. Both teams will be going to Tribal Council tonight. At the last Tribal Council, you guys
didn’t have to vote anyone out because Hickenlooper realized no one liked him
and left. But tonight, you will have to vote someone off the island. Now Joe your team won
today’s challenge, you guys must be pretty excited. Well, you know Jeff, as they say sing along with a big old dong and bling blong ringa ting ton. Go to Joe 64. I think Joe just had a stroke. Kamala, no women competed in today’s challenge. Do you think that women are at a disadvantage in this competition? No Jeff, I believe that women can do anything. Mmm, I don’t know about that one. Look, I think we’re all missing the bigger issue of the challenge today and that’s, if we don’t take action now all the blindfolded robots will be competing for us. You know Jeff, as we like to say in El Paso, quiero el número dos con queso y sin carne I can do that too! Hola! Donde está la biblioteca? Alright, that’s enough hombres. Now, Marianne, how do you feel like you’re fitting in with the rest of the candidates? Listen up here girlfriends,
and boyfriends, and non-binary friends my heart shakra served as my beacon in
guiding me to win this season of Survivor using nothing the love. That did not answer my question…but okay. Jeff, what is she even doing here? She is pushing aside the real issues and turning this race into a freak show! And I have a plan to fix that. She wasn’t actually supposed to be here she just washed up on the island on a wicker raft and refused to leave. And now the producers think she’s good for ratings. Actually it was not wicker. it was the bark of a magical oak tree that sat upon and ensorcelled elf den. This whole thing is a joke, no one here quite has the je na sai qui to lead this nation. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir. Je vais avoir le croissant! Seriously guys, stop it. Now, Bernie, you’re looking pretty sunburnt. One might say you’re “feeling the Bern.” I’ve had it! I’ve had it with you! With this island! With the stars and stripes! I am seventy seven god damn years old, and I am the only one who is ready to serve as President. [smack] And another thing! I was this close last season! It was rigged! I was in the top 1% of every 10% and this whole competition is a bunch of meshuggeneh! My bubbe schlepped to schmooze with shmucks! Oy vey! My noshes kvetched! Okay I think we’re bordering on a hate crime. Let’s just get to the vote, okay? And remember these are the votes you do not want to get. Bernie, you’re up. I’ve got enough girlfriends, I’ve got enough boyfriends, I’ve got enough non-binary friends. I don’t need any witches in this campground. I’m voting Bernie off the island because he has no control over his arms. I will now tally the votes. Once the votes are read, the decision is final. The person voted out will be asked to leave Tribal Council and the Democratic running for President immediately. First, Buttigieg. Butter-greg? Uh…I think someone meant Buttigieg? Next up, Bootygoo? Didn’t you guys go to like Harvard or something? Buffalo Wild Wings? I meant- Yeah, Buttigieg. I know. Okay. Okay and…this one just says goblins? That’s not even close to Buttigieg. No I meant goblins! I don’t like their energy! Alright, I’m just gonna call it. Uh, Mayor Pete, bring up your torch. I thought we were friends. You know, I’m okay with this because at the end of the day, I know we’re all here because we want what’s best for this magnificent country of ours- Wait, that’s why you guys are here? ‘Cause I’m here for the ladies and the coconuts, and guess who just had a coconut? [slurp]

Author Since: Mar 11, 2019

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