Staging the Democratic Primary Debate: The Thrilling Backstory | The Daily Show


SPENT FOUR YEARS
FIGHTING AL QAEDA, FIVE YEARS FIGHTING ISIS, AND ANOTHER FIVE YEARS
FIGHTING WITH ISIS. LONG STORY. STILL TRYING TO GET
THIS CAR WORKING, HUH? CUT THE SHIT, JOHNSON. I TOLD YOU, I’M DONE WORKING
FOR UNCLE SAM. WELL, I’M SORRY, CAPTAIN, BUT YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE
WHO CAN HANDLE THIS. WHEN I SAW THAT LETTER, ALL I COULD THINK WAS
“OH MY GOD.” OH MY GOD. NONE OF MY TRAINING COULD HAVE
PREPARED ME FOR THIS. ALRIGHT, LISTEN UP.
WE DON’T HAVE A LOT OF TIME, SO LET’S GET STARTED. I GATHERED YOU HERE TODAY BECAUSE YOU’RE THE BEST
AT WHAT YOU DO. TOP SET DESIGNER THERE IS. TRUE. TOP EXPLOSIVES EXPERT. CHECK. MATH GENIUS. OK, A LITTLE ON THE NOSE. TECH WIZ MILLENNIAL
WHO WE ALL TOLERATE EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE TOO LAZY
TO SHOW UP IN PERSON TO OUR PLANNING MEETING. WHAT’S UP, OLD PEOPLE? WHADDUP? AND, OF COURSE, THE GUY
WHO DOUBTS EVERY PART OF THE PLAN
EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. THIS’LL NEVER WORK. WHAT IS IT? THIS JOB IS OUR
MOST DIFFICULT ONE YET. LET ME GUESS, WE GOTTA LAND
A SHIP ON MARS SO WE CAN BLOW UP
AN ALIEN REACTOR, AGAIN. I WISH IT WERE THAT EASY. WE HAVE TO BUILD
A DEBATE STAGE. -NOT A PROBLEM.
-YEAH. THAT CAN HOLD 20 DEMOCRATIC
CANDIDATES. WHAT? THAT’S MATHEMATICALLY
IMPOSSIBLE. YOU LOST YOUR MIND. GUYS, GUYS, HE’S MESSING
WITH US. WHY WOULD THERE BE 20 CANDIDATES
FROM THE SAME PARTY? -THAT’S INSANE.
-IT IS INSANE! BUT IT’S OUR JOB. AND IF ANYBODY CAN GET IT DONE,
IT’S US. SO PUT ON YOUR GODDAM
BIG BOY PANTS, AND LET’S GET TO WORK. BIG GIRL. GIRL. -IT SHOULD BE BIG GIRL PANTS.
-GIRL PANTS. -IS THAT THE… -IT DOESN’T
HAVE TO JUST BE BOY PANTS. -IS THAT THE BRAND NAME,
BIG BOY? -PANTS. I JUST…I JUST…
I CAN GOOGLE THAT. -JUST BE PANTS.
-WHY DON’T WE JUST DO PANTS? -THEY DON’T HAVE TO BE GENDERED.
-CAN I CHANGE NOW? WE LOST AN ENTIRE DAY
JUST ARGUING ABOUT PANTS. NOW WE ONLY HAD 12 DAYS
TO PULL OFF A MIRACLE. AND AS THE HOURS
TICKED AWAY… I BEGAN TO HAVE DOUBTS. THE HELL! WOULD WE MAKE IT IN TIME? HEY, CAP, UH,
JUST A REMINDER – THIS’LL NEVER WORK. HUH? SEE, WE CAN STACK THE CANDIDATES
ON TOP OF EACH OTHER. WE CAN’T DO THAT! BERNIE’S NECK CAN’T SUPPORT
A SECOND HICKENLOOPER! YOU’LL BREAK HIS DAMN SPINE! WE’RE RUNNING
OUT OF TIME, PEOPLE. TOLD YOU THIS WASN’T
GONNA WORK. -DUM-DUM.
-YOU’RE THE DUM-DUM. YOU’RE A DUM-DUM. -20 CANDIDATES IS DUMB.
-YEAH, YOU’RE RIGHT. WE WERE OUT OF IDEAS AND ALMOST OUT OF TIME. TWO HOURS UNTIL THE DEBATE,
BUT WE HAD NOTHING. TOLD YOU THIS WOULD NEVER WORK. SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP. AH, HERE WE GO. THAT’S IT. HEY. WHAT? INSTEAD OF PUTTING
ALL THE CANDIDATES ON THE SAME STAGE
ON THE SAME NIGHT, WE SPLIT THE DEBATE
OVER TWO NIGHTS. WILL IT WORK? I MEAN, THEORETICALLY, 20 DIVIDED BY 2 IS 10. DO IT. LORD, I KNOW I’M NOT
THE PRAYING TYPE, BUT YOU OWE ME THIS ONE. WELCOME TO THE FIRST
DEMOCRATIC DEBATE IN THE 2020 RACE FOR PRESIDENT. THIS IS IT, PEOPLE.
THE STAGE IS SET TO HOLD ALL 10 CANDIDATES
AT THE SAME TIME. SENATOR ELIZABETH WARREN. -STATUS REPORT.
-STAGE IS HOLDING. CONGRESSMAN RYAN. GOVERNOR INSLEE. SENATOR BOOKER. STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY
IS WEAKENING. DEMOCRATIC CONCENTRATION
IS GETTING HIGH. KEEP IT STEADY. KEEP IT STEADY.
WE’RE NOT EVEN HALFWAY. SECRETARY CASTRO.
CONGRESSWOMAN GABBARD. MAYOR DE BLASIO. IT’S TOO MUCH.
THE STAGE IS COLLAPSING. NO. NO, NO, NO!
I FORGOT TO CARRY THE ONE! WE GOTTA EVACUATE NOW! HOLD ON, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
HOLD ON! SENATOR KLOBUCHAR. FIVE SECONDS TO COLLAPSE! IT’S NO USE. EVERYONE, TAKE YOUR
SUICIDE PILLS. WAIT, I HAVE AN IDEA. DIVERTING ALL POWER
STAGE LEFT. IT WORKED! THE STAGE IS STABILIZED. YOU DID IT, YOU SON OF A BITCH. TELL MY WIFE… IT WAS A GREAT…DEBATE. I WILL, SON. I WILL. ONE MORE TO GO. CONGRESSMAN O’ROURKE. SO, WITH THAT BUSINESS
OUT OF THE WAY, WE WANT TO GET TO IT. I BELIEVED IN YOU
THE WHOLE TIME, MAN.

Author Since: Mar 11, 2019

  1. As a centrist I find this funny. They should make fun of both partyโ€™s!!!๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ

  2. Yo trevors team is the best!!!! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
    Loved this!!

  3. Kamala did hit Biden with a cheap shot. Sheโ€™s not black, sheโ€™s biracial. Her mother from India and her father from Jamaica. Very dishonest just to get points with black voters. Shameful!

  4. How did Daily Show with Kaffer Noah end up in my feed? I guess youtube is playing a joke or something.

  5. it is because of people like Mitch McConnell and Donald Trump that America has the highest violent crime rate and drug and alcohol dependency problem in the world. At the same time the lowest standards of quality pertaining to our air, water, foods, landscapes, working/ living environment every day home products.ย  Seriously why should Mitch McConnell care about anything pertaining to honestly, obeying, or properly enforcing the laws when his wife stole 75 million American tax dollars through shady deals that are definitely criminal.ย  Obviously people like Donald Trump don't care about women and children safety.ย  Because they are sexual criminals on top of being sexual failures, I mean all you have to do is Look in Donald Trump's ex-wifesย ย  and current wife eyes and you will see the look of frustration and disappointment let down.ย  Keep in mind sexual crimes are classified as the weakest form of criminal conduct.ย ย  Locker room talk! Not according to criminal psychologist, brain specialist, and leading physicians.ย ย ย ย ย ย ย  What we all heard Donald Trump confess to on the access Hollywood bus interview was much more consistent with the jailhouse confession from one inmate to another or a prison reminiscence from one convict to another who are living out their sentencing in protective custodyย  case closed big boss Jamie has spoken. Mercy, forgiveness, and spiritual welfare are not changing those facts. Protecting, carrying, and compensating any souls or spirits that are connected to a life that freely does not do its best to improve upon and maintain the quality of it. Now I wish and pray for my soul and spirit to be held spiritually accountable to the statements I proclaim. I guarantee you never see hear another body, man in power, persons of legal religious, authority, and leaders!! Ever freely validate the statements they proclaim with that level of certainty. One reason could be they don't have the best interest of the majority of the population's needs at Heart
    another reason could be the cum from a breed of cowards or simply have a lifestyle that suggests, confirms, and validates them as being feebleminded and physically inadequate, submissive subservient it doesn't get any worse than that.ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย  One is genetic hereditary the other is a generic learned behavior either way it is physically, mentally, and spiritually useless to freely live and die in such a low quality manner especially if that stupidity, weak, and desperation stems from being soft, lazy, out of shape, over fed, and undernourished neglecting your own physical freedom. Maybe being overworked and underpaid with dirty low-paying jobs,ย  that come from outdated power sources, inferior materials, poisonous, toxic substances, pesticides, and chemicals that never change their killing composition which means, simpleton whether it is a solid, liquid, or burnt off into our airways or atmosphere as a vapor is always going to be poisonous, debilitating, and deadly to the body at the same time polluting, corrupting, and devastating to mother Earth and all the various different forms of life that live within this world. There is no profit to be made and the demise of the planet.ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย  Which is a real possibility because we are facing environmental and financial global collapse with these dirty low-paying jobs. Mitch McConnell Grim Reaper.ย  Okay will then he should know that if life is not free then why the hell would death be any cheaper, It's not. And now I know who souls and spirits have paid out are picking up the tab on the end results of dirty low-paying jobs. have paid out are picking up the tab on a diminished quality of life.ย  Have been, or are being implemented with all of the disease, sickness, illness, injuries, pain, suffering, torment, abuse, neglect, and hunger.ย  That has been allowed to occur manifesting throughout the history of mankind into what it is today thanks to people like Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan, Ted Cruz, Bill O'Reilly,roy more Paul Roy Harvey Weinstein, and WikiLeaks. THE END. S.R.F

  6. So… Funny teacher/Asian w/erybodee from shit to horrible stupid blonde waste of tyme.
    I only ask "WHY?"
    Give Asian guy show and shuddup already!

  7. All this talk about stage strength and not one mention of the morbidly obese chick reporter?

    Why are we letting people on the air that are about to keel over from being so fucking unhealthy? Aren't they a bad influence on our children, with their morbidly fatal eating habits? Do you really want your child to look up to obese people with no appetite control? Let's face it: the obese people didn't overcome ANYTHING to make it on the air; they are there as a product of our overly-sensitive SJW environment.

    You want all that political shit clogging up your children's psyches? And all that cholesterol clogging up your children's arteries?

  8. https://www.facebook.com/williamsonmarianne/photos/rpp.207697880579/10161731422065580/?type=3&theater

  9. When I scrolled and saw the thumbnail, for a second I thought the middle guy was Stanley from The Office ๐Ÿ˜‚

  10. You missed the part where they purposely turned off Andrew Yang's mic unless he was asked a question directly