Sex Crime Roundup: Priests, Patriots, Politicians & Pop Stars | The Daily Show


That’s right, after years
and years of alleged sex crimes, R. Kelly may finally
be facing justice. And it almost feels strange that they got him
after all these years. You know?
It’s like if Wile E. Coyote finally caught the Roadrunner– who is also a criminal,
by the way. Yeah. That bird has been smuggering…
smuggling drugs across the border for years– and Trump’s border wall
isn’t gonna stop him, either. Yeah. He’ll just paint a wall,
a hole in the wall, and just beep-beep
right through it. That’s what he does.
He’s not the good guy. And, like, by the way,
I was genuinely shocked to find out that
R. Kelly doesn’t have a hundred thousand dollars
for bail. I was shocked by that detail.
Like, how is that possible? You know? Now I think of his
music completely differently. I thought “I Believe I Can Fly” was a song
about believing in yourself. Turns out this (bleep)
couldn’t afford a plane ticket. (laughter) ♪ I believe I can fl… ♪ Well, according to your
bank statement, no, you… you can take the bus, bitch,
that’s what you can do. -(applause)
-That’s-that’s what you can do. (cheering) So… it turns out
he doesn’t have money, he’s being charged
with ten counts, so R. Kelly’s best bet
right now is to pray. Although, I don’t know if God
has time for his prayers, because he’s got
his hands full right now. Pope Francis today ended
a landmark summit on the Roman Catholic Church’s
sex abuse scandal by calling abusive clergy
“tools of Satan.” NEWSWOMAN: Pope Francis
delivered strong condemnation of wrongful clerics yesterday, the pontiff promising
to bring the wrath of God upon priests
who are sexually abusive. Ooh, that’s right. The pope has threatened
abusive priests with the wrath of God. That is the ultimate, “Just
wait till your dad gets home. When he comes back to earth,
you are in so much trouble!” Yeah. So if I was
one of those priests, I would be pretty worried
about facing God’s will. I mean, look
at what happened to Jesus, -and God wasn’t even mad
at him. Hmm? -(laughter) And if you’re super religious,
the wrath of God raining down on abusive priests is
the worst possible punishment. On the other hand,
many people are pointing out that the wrath of God
isn’t a thing. Yeah. I bet R. Kelly heard this,
and he was like, “Uh, can I also take the wrath
of God as my punishment? “No, I’m saying
instead of prison, uh… “I’ll take two. Give me double
wrath of God and no prison. Yeah? Can I do that?” So it looks like the Church
isn’t going to do enough to punish these sex criminals, which means we might need
to get the government involved. The only problem is,
the government has also got
its hands full right now. A federal judge in Florida
said tonight that one of President Trump’s
cabinet members broke the law while serving as a prosecutor in the case
of a Florida billionaire accused of sexual abuse
of minors. TV REPORTER:
When Alexander Acosta, who is now the Labor secretary, was the U.S. Attorney in Miami, he and his prosecutors
broke the law while cutting an extremely generous deal
with Jeffrey Epstein, the politically connected
billionaire accused of sexually abusing
more than 30 underage girls at his Palm Beach mansion. REPORTER: Any concerns about
the Labor secretary’s handling of the Jeffrey Epstein case? I really don’t know
too much about it. I know he’s done a great job
as Labor secretary and, uh, that seems like
a long time ago. (audience reacts) Yes, you heard that right. 11 years ago, the man who is now
Trump’s Labor secretary, basically let
a billionaire off the hook for abusing underage girls, and President Trump’s
response is, (mimics Trump): “That seems like
a long time ago.” (normal voice):
Yeah. mimics Trump): “Look, that thing
was 11 years ago, folks. “By now,
all those underage girls are overage, problem solved.” (normal voice): I also like
how the president’s like, “Oh, I-I haven’t been following
the story. “I was too busy watching
Spike Lee at the Oscars. Yeah.” (laughs) Think about how crazy this is. There’s a member
of Trump’s cabinet who helped a billionaire sex offender sweep
a scandal under the rug, and this story is flying almost
completely under the radar because there’s another
billionaire having a different sex scandal l at the same time,
also in Florida. Yeah. I’m talking about New England Patriot’s owner
Robert Kraft. He’s famous for leading the Pats
to six Super Bowl rings, but it turns out
there’s another kind of ring he may have been involved in. TV REPORTER: New England
Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been officially charged
with first degree solicitation of a prostitute in Florida. TV REPORTER: The charges come as
part of a much larger crackdown on illegal sex trafficking. TV REPORTER: On two occasions,
Kraft solicited a prostitute at this shopping center
massage parlor, about 20 miles from his
West Palm Beach home. Okay. I’m sorry.
This story is so insane. What are you doing paying for
sex in a strip mall in Florida? You own the Patriots. You could walk into any
strip mall in Boston and get a hand job for free. You wouldn’t even have to ask.
They’d just be like, (with Boston accent):
“Oh, my God, Robert Kraft. “what an honor
to yank your crank. Hey, Sully, get over here
and help with the balls.” I mean, I mean, seriously,
you’re a billionaire, and you might go to jail
for a happy ending? Which, by the way, I’ve never really understood
the term “happy ending.” Like, all massages
have a happy ending, like, because I leave relaxed
and spelling of lavender. I don’t understand when people
are like, “Did you get a happy ending?” I’m like,
there’s always a happy– They make it sound like the
alternative is a sad ending. You know, like they ask,
“Do you want a happy ending?” And if say no, the masseuse is
like, “Okay, massage is over. And your is dead.”
(crying): “No. I should have got
the happy one.” But it’s important to remember
that this isn’t just a case of a rich man paying for sex,
all right? Because investigators say that these women
weren’t willing sex workers. They were women
who were from China, who were forced into
sex slavery, held against their will,
and made to serve over a thousand clients a year.
Yeah. So this wasn’t Pretty Woman,
it’s more like pretty horrific, which is why these
are very serious charges, unless you’re a Patriots fan. TV REPORTER: What you won’t find
among many Patriots fans are a lot of critics of Kraft. WOMAN: He’s single, right?
It’s not like he’s married. He’s my boy. I stand by him
the whole way. He’s a goat. Somebody’s just trying
to come down on him, ’cause everybody hates to, uh,
see the Patriots win. If he wants to go
have a little fun with the hookers,
that’s his business. I don’t want to think
any of this happened. Go, Pats.
Go, Rob Kraft, all the way. They might drag his name through
the mud a little bit, but I think, I think, in the
end, everything’s gonna be fine, and I think it’ll fuel them
for seven. You know, this is
what’s incredible about sports in America. If you’re winning,
there’s no limit to what your fans will
let you get away with. Robert Kraft could nuke Boston, and you’d still have
Patriot fans staggering out of the blast zone,
and they’d be like, “This is just fuel
for ring number seven, baby!” (laughter) Like, that’s how crazy loyal
sports fans are. And, look,
you can call it repulsive, you can call it insensitive
for these people to just brush aside serious
sex crimes like this, but you could also call it
presidential.

Author Since: Mar 11, 2019

  1. I always add an extra "o" to the word God. If the "wrath of God" doesn't bother anyone, how about the "Wrath of Good"? How about going to jail? How about people boycotting your products? If God is currently unavailable for whatever reason, Good People of BOTH political persuasions – Who obey the Rule of Law and treat people the way we would want to be treated – are the majority and we're all right here and we vote. And we don't forget.

  2. Hey fuck you there aren't Pats fans who want to see him taken down. As a life long New Englander and Patriots fan I am furious that he is on;y being charged with solicitation and not for being involved in sex trafficking. I wish the punishment was castration. Go Pats!

  3. You forgot a very tiny detail Trevor Noah,
    on the Patriot's guy most of this so call prostitutes are litte girls, under age girls, robbed from different countries to be sold in to the sex trade.
    One of the most horrificccc crimes !!!

  4. Yah!!! The County is SO concerned about these "underaged sex-trafficked girls" that instead of stopping it and freeing them, the Cops let them go through 500+ incidents of sexual abuse, so they can bust the John's. BULLSHIT.

  5. When are we going to legalize and regulate sex work and eliminate pimps and severely reduce human sex trafficking and violence against these women.

  6. The president of my football team is one of my heroes, he's been in charge of the clube for more than 30 years, we won pratically everything we could dream of… if he had been involved in sex slavery I would want him to rot in jail. What's wrong with people?

  7. I don't care that Mr Kraft paid for a prostitute he wasn't the only one caught whomever he marries at his age will be a prostitute as well

  8. How many of these people are worried about human trafficking? They gave zero fucks about that. HMMMM…interesting how that subject was never even mentioned. To make it all about sports? What is wrong with this country ???

  9. Only LIFE is TRUTH.Humans are divided ONLY by LIES made of mere words. it was back when ''money'' was made everything that Life became nothing.

  10. Fun with hookers? Really? Sex trafficked women forced to be with over a 1k men a year and we are talking about him having the right because he isn't cheating on his wife?????

  11. I just wish Trevor did his 'news show' at 7 PM so more people would be watching it. It sure beats Faux Noise.

  12. What everyone is missing is the fact that Epstein was accused of running some underage sex ring and Trump was one of the people accused of being one of his clients years back. Trump claimed then that he hardly knew him yet he gave his lawyer a spot on his cabinet? I hate to be so conspiratorial but I have a good memes and I could do this all day…it’s pure corruption!

  13. I would love to see how the pope would react if someone from his family got molested… Would "wrath of God" be their punishment? I think not. Stupid basterd

  14. "Women held against their will and forced to service 1000 clients a year." How can anyone show him support?

  15. those fans are just scum! seriously how big of a loser are you that your whole existence is wrapped up in an effing nfl team???

  16. I love your show and your joke but the one about the pope, not cool… leave the pope outside the jokes please.

  17. They had SURVIVING R KELLY I'm waiting on SURVIVING THE PRIESTS. Has any of those priests been indcited or gone to any trials or any jail or anything? Just wondering. Seems like the internet knows everything about everyone else but them. I've heard cases of them molesting young girls and young boys and three days later it's no longer on the news, nobody says nothing about them anymore. NO MAJOR MEDIA OUTLET MENTIONS THEM ANYMORE UNTIL IT HAPPENS AGAIN. For the past 30 straight days all I've been hearing is what Robert Kelly does and what he didn't do, but nothing about those priests until Trevor mention them again in this show 😂. Something smells really bad.

  18. to;dr also under your radar is that TRUMP HIMSELF WAS AT THE EPSTEIN PARTIES. not rumor, not even trump disputes it.

  19. also, the patriots owner? all he did was buy sex work. he doesn’t know how their girls got there, so why is it his crime? that’s absurd. if it were legal as it should be, the trafficking would plummet and so would the danger all around. it’s the illegality that makes it easy to force girls. no workplace regulation, no inspections, no safety features. etc. this isn’t about the girls being protected, it’s as you say, some folks are pissed at the patriots. i don’t watch sports so i don’t give a rats. i just hate stupidity, hypocrisy, and going after people for things they aren’t guilty of.

  20. How the turtle-slapping FUCK is "it was a long time ago" an acceptable excuse for sexual assault and rape?
    We would die laughing if a lawyer tried to defend a bank robber or a murderer with that bullshit. There's no statute of limitations for any other serious crime, but even if we have proof that a kid was sexually assaulted by Rapey "kid-fucker" McRaperson, we just shrug it off and tell the victim that they should've said something sooner, conveniently forgetting literally everything we know about PTSD and the fact that the police are notorious for accusing/humiliating/turning away victims, allowing rape kits to gather dust (if they even use then in the first place), and that even if they take the report, investigate, and arrest the motherfucker, 90-fucking-% of CONVICTED sex offenders go free anyway.

  21. Money talks b.s. walks needs to be dismantled! Tired of rich people getting away with murder, AKA TRUMP!

  22. YOU forgot this guy Rep. Jim Jordan "Former Ohio State wrestlers that claim to be victims of sexual abuse by Ohio State team doctor Richard Strauss also claim that Congressman Jim Jordan knew of the abuse during his time as an assistant on the Ohio State wrestling team, according to NBC Time" He persecuted Mr. Cohen, guess his skeletons are forgotten too ~~

  23. The Catholic Church is the largest organized crime institution in modern history. But I’m sure the wrath of god will promptly fix this…

  24. Too much money , abuse of privilege, and boredom.Why not take up a hobby ??? Charity work is always fulfilling.

  25. Yes, Kraft alone is the reason why there is thriving illegal prostitution business everywhere where the oldest profession is illegal. On top of that he didn't ask her is she breaking the law willingly or is she in fact a slave. Because she would answer him honestly of course, what does she have to lose after all…
    But i get you Trevor, that is really one evil rich old man, skimping on some elite hooker and going for a cheap solution, he deserves to be crucified.

  26. Corner store Caroline? Prostitute Fucking Patriot Fans. A stretch I know but just say whore with a Boston accent. Name fits now right?

  27. Well, there you have it. The list of perverts with big money cutting deals with the help of church and state goes on and on and on. We have celebrities getting away with abuse for years as we later learn their behavior was aided and abetted by their underlings. All the while so many people excuse all of it because they are sports fans, voted for some party, adhere to some religion's mandates or have some adoration of the perpetrator's celebrity. I don't know what to say after all that.

  28. At Vatican summit, a Catholic nun condemned the Church's culture of silence on sexual abuse.

    “I have not seen, in my almost 20 years here, somebody who sat beside the pope at his own conference and called him out,” CNN's Delia Gallagher says. https://cnn.it/2TiwrO4
    https://www.facebook.com/cnn/videos/2481147935290566/

  29. Don't forget that Trump was a regular at Epstein child-rape parties as well, and part of that oh so favourable deal was that Epstein would not have to name all the rich and famous people who came to his parties!
    There was EVERYTHING wrong with that 'deal', including that Epstein wasn't even imprisoned, he just had to return to his cell each night! All day, every day, he was out doing whatever he wanted to do, including going to his workplace, and all without any supervision at all!
    That's not prison, that's free accommodation!

  30. Check your facts Trevor Noah. The police lied. No evidence of trafficking. They all had massage licences and the number of handjobs ranged from 3 to 50 per month. A few of the women arrested were owners and managers.

  31. They are cherry picking audio of pats fans who support Kraft. After it came out that those girls were held against their will and sold most of New England denounced him and his disgusting ways. I hate that people depict us Bostonians as blind drooling pats zombies that support Kraft no matter what. Guess what: most of us think he’s a monster and most of us want him as far away from our team and our city as possible.

  32. Scandals, prostitution, damn you trump, oh,oh,oh, you meant Kraft. His fans still stand behind him…those who follow evil are cult culture like the pats fans.

  33. And meanwhile the NY Post is accusing AOC of being a hypocrite because she supports the Green New Deal yet goes places in a car. That sooooo much worse than sex predators getting away with it, suuuure.

  34. WOW…After seeing this I'm happier than ever about my decision to quit watching pro football in 2014 due to CTE… when I played football growing up and in college we were taught discipline, character, integrity and to do the right thing…especially when no one is watching because that is when it matters the most…

  35. ”you could also call it…Presidential”
    Cuts to the end
    Me: ………………………………..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  36. It's absolutely sick but my question is why are they so hard up for Kelly? Yes he deserves what he gets that's not the question. The question is why are they when so many white men that do the same or worse actual 100% full rape always free to go? Less you have a real answer I don't want to hear it. Anything less is an excuse.

  37. WOW!! This is mind blowing!! The world has gone to shit!! People are really being brain washed! Or it's something in the water that's making them mentally challenged!!

  38. How many girls did you say,,,,,imagine that one man,,,,,,I pray for girls coz they really are facing rough time in this so called amaizing world

  39. “Everyone wants to come down on him cause no one wants to see the patriots win”

    Okay first off, fuck you. Secondly, as a sexual abuse victim, that is the most disgusting equivocation I’ve ever heard. I hate football, and yet I wouldn’t ever make an appalling statement like that.

  40. Blind devotion to a team (whether it be republican, a football team, or person) taints your ability to be neutral. And helps hatred fester. That’s why I hate football and am an independent.

  41. Having sex with prostitutes is not the same as abusing minors.
    Unless he knew those women were forced to be prostitutes he didn't do anything bad.

  42. I think his fans don't realize the prostitutes were human trafficked and forced. I like to believe there's enough humanity in sports fans that if they knew the facts they would make better choices.

  43. What? Does the Pope think that god doesn't know what has been going on for centuries? Or does he think that god is just sitting in heaven WAITING for some Pope to give him permission to unleash his wrath? This is either dishonest posturing, or the most amazing hubris possible. God is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-good, and the arbiter of all morals by he needs some guy in a dress and a funny hat to "call down" his wrath? God is sitting up there saying these guys sure need a little wrath, but I better wait until the Pope gives me the OK. What utter nonsense!

  44. It is disturbing what people can excuse away and it's not just happening with rich, famous people, it's happening in all neighbourhoods.

  45. For the catholic church I don't need the wrath of God.We need the wrath of the law . These priests do not believe in God. If it was a black man there would have been a global condemnation and punishment demanding for their sex crimes.

  46. It’s not a big deal because they are not white American women because if they were white American women it was going to be bad so sad

  47. Jesus Christ can save all these men if they repent and trust in Him. they will be delivered from their oppressive sins.

  48. Trevor is brilliant AF!! 👌🏾👌🏾👌🏾 He said you can call it repulsive for people to brush off serious sex crimes, but you could also call it: “presidential.” So scary how unfortunately accurate he is.

  49. FCC is the road runner like you mockers scoffers voodo priest witch doctors quite the empire you antichrist have here quite the empire iron & clay last one

  50. I never thought i would say this but those abusive priests should also consult on a psychiatrist while they'remin jail nor in hell. Maybe Im just curious how they become so evil while lots of people look up to them as symbols of righteousness or whatsoever.

  51. only thing jesus was black who else would they nail to a cross,history has shown only brown people get treated this way.

  52. these are the same people that support trump,they will vote for him if a sex tape dropped of him having sex with a baby.

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