politicians


THE LIBERALS DON’T WANNA
LEAN ON ANYBODY. THEY THINK THAT MAKES
THEM GOOD GUYS, I GUESS. BUT, UH, I DON’T KNOW, IS IT ONE OF THE
MOST DENIGRATING THINGS YOU CAN DO
TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING IS TO HAVE ABSOLUTELY
NO EXPECTATIONS OF THEM ? AND I DON’T THINK SOME
OF THESE LIBERAL HEROES ARE THE PROLETARIAT
WUNDERKIND THEY PAINT
THEMSELVES TO BE. I’VE GOT TO WATCH
THE SENIOR DEMOCRATIC SENATOR FROM THE GREAT STATE
OF WEST VIRGINIA, THIS OLD MORON, ROBERT BYRD, STAND THERE IN THE WELL
OF THE SENATE AND LECTURE
ME ON MORALITY AND ETHICS. EARLIER IN HIS LIFE THIS GUY
WAS IN THE KU KLUX KLAN. ROBERT BYRD
IS FOGHORN LEG IRON. YOU KNOW SOMETHING, IT IS A SICKNESS
TO WANT TO HEAR THE SOUND OF YOUR OWN VOICE
AS MUCH AS HE DOES. IT’S AVUNCULAR SCLEROSIS. ROBERT BYRD’S HEAD
IS SO FAR UP HIS ASS, THEY’RE GONNA HAVE TO CUT
IN SWITCHBACK TRAILS
TO GET TO IT. AND IT’S NOT JUST HIM,
MOST POLITICIANS ARE STIFFS. LET’S FACE FACTS.
CONGRESS IS JUST A PLACE WHERE WE SEND MEDIOCRE MEN
TO BE EARL-SCHEIBED INTO LOOKING KIND OF
VAGUELY CONSEQUENTIAL. AND POLITICS IS JUST
ANOTHER BULLSHIT WORLD WHERE “MY ESTEEMED COLLEAGUE”
MEANS “THIS PRICK HERE.” I LIKE BUSH BECAUSE
HE’S NOT BILL CLINTON. YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME
I SEE THOSE, UH… OH ! THAT… NOW, THAT SURPRISES
ME IN CHICAGO. ( audience hooting ) BUT EVERY TIME I SEE
THOSE KIDS PLAYING T-BALL
ON THE WHITEHOUSE LAWN, ON THE FIELD THAT GEORGE BUSH
BUILT FOR THEM, HE SITS THERE
WITH THAT HAT ON AND I THINK ABOUT
HIS PREDECESSOR RUNNING AROUND LIKE SOME DEMENTED GROUCHO WITH A COHIBA IN ONE HAND
AND HIS AL DENTE SCHWANZ
IN THE OTHER. AT THE VERY LEAST, I JUST
WANT TO THANK GEORGE BUSH FOR ALLOWING ME TO RESPECT
THE AMERICAN PRESIDENCY AGAIN. YOU KNOW, WAS BILL CLINTON POPULAR ?
YES, OF COURSE
HE WAS POPULAR. I SOMETIMES THINK
HIS POPULARITY WAS JUST THE UNFORTUNATE BYPRODUCT
OF THE DIMINISHED EXPECTATIONS OF AN OFF-THE-RACK CULTURE.
BUT HE WAS POPULAR. BUT IT’S TIME FOR
HIM TO GO AWAY NOW
AS WE GO TO WAR. HE AND HIS WIFE WILL
JUST NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP. AND SHE NEVER HAS
AN ORIGINAL THOUGHT. HE SAYS IT, 4 DAYS
LATER SHE PARROTS IT. AND I THINK THE REASON
THAT HILLARY CLINTON
IS SO COMFORTABLE RIDING ON BILL CLINTON’S
COATTAILS IS BECAUSE SHE IS WELL AWARE
OF THE FACT THAT THERE IS FREQUENTLY
NO ROOM AVAILABLE ON THE FRONT OF THE GARMENT. I’LL TELL YOU ONE THING
I LIKE ABOUT BUSH. HE MIGHT NOT BE KNOWN
AS AN ENVIRONMENTALIST, BUT HIS RANCH ALWAYS
LOOKS REAL NICE ON T.V. EVERYBODY SHOULD TAKE CARE
OF THEIR OWN, HUH ? I LIKE DICK CHENEY, TOO. AND I’LL TELL YOU SOMETHING,
I LIKE CHENEY BECAUSE, UH, I–I LIKE THE FACT
THAT HE MADE SOME MONEY
IN THE REAL WORLD. WHEN DID THAT BECOME A SIN ? ARE WE SUPPOSED TO PICK
ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WERE
FUCK UPS IN THE REAL WORLD AND LET THEM
BE OUR LEADER, HUH ? HERE, YOU COULDN’T
GET IT TOGETHER OUT THERE,
COME IN AND LEAD ME. ( audience member whistling ) YEAH. I DON’T THINK CHENEY’S GOING
TO SEE THIS 2ND TERM THOUGH. I MEAN, I THINK
HE’LL BE ALIVE, I JUST THINK HE MIGHT
HAVE TO DROP OUT.
IT’S TOO ARDUOUS. HE’S GOT THE FILO DOUGH TICKER AND I’M THINKING,
MAYBE, HE STEPS DOWN, GOES ON THE ROAD,
STARTS PERFORMING
THE ANGINA MONOLOGUES. CHENEY’S LIKE YODA
WITH A GOITER. AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING, THAT LAST STAR WARS
FILM SUCKED. BUT YODA THREW DOWN,
DIDN’T HE, HUH ? THE, UH, LITTLE MAN CAME
OUT OF THE CORNER WITH
THAT LASER SWORD LIKE HE HAD THE ONLY LIGHTER
IN A CRACK HOUSE. DICK CHENEY
IS A BARELY CONTROLLED BURN THAT COULD JUMP THE FIRE
ROAD AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT. HE ALWAYS HAS THAT LOOK
ON HIS FACE LIKE,
“NO, MR. BOND, “I EXPECT YOU TO DIE.” I WAS SAYING, “WHERE HAVE
I SEEN THAT LOOK BEFORE ?” AND IT’S ALLEN GREENSPAN WHEN HE HAS TO TESTIFY
BEFORE THE HOUSE COMMITTEE. AND SONNY BONO’S
WIDOW, MARY BONO STUMBLES THROUGH AN AMAZINGLY
CONVOLUTED QUESTION OFF A 3-BY-5 CARD,
TAKES HER FOREVER
TO GET THROUGH IT, SHE GETS TO THE END
OF IT, GREENSPAN HAS
THOSE HALF GLASSES DOWN AT THE TIP
OF HIS NOSE. YOU CAN ALMOST
HEAR HIM THINKING,
“EXCUSE ME, UH, “WHAT IN THE FUCK
IS GOING ON HERE ? “I’M ALLEN FUCKING GREENSPAN. “I STUDIED, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. “YOU MARRIED SONNY BONO. “YOU’RE NOT GONNA
UNDERSTAND THIS ANSWER,
SONNY BARELY GOT IT. “WHAT SORT OF FUCKING
COSMIC BUNNY HOLE HAVE
I FALLEN THROUGH HERE ?”

Author Since: Mar 11, 2019

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