Jimmy Tries Out Republican Excuse Generator


-You guys, I want to
say congrats to the
New York Yankees, who are moving on
to the American League
Championship Series. [ Cheers and applause ] And congrats to the Mets, who are moving on to binge-watch
season 8 of “Friends.” That’s fantastic. Yeah, you could tell the Yankees
were feeling good when they popped champagne,
lit cigars, and it was only
the second inning. That’s when I knew
something was up. Let’s get to some news. Today, the White House
stopped an important ambassador from testifying. Yep, Trump told his staff
to do whatever it takes to stop anyone
from saying anything that could endanger
his presidency. And his staff was like, “Okay,”
and duct taped his mouth shut. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] “Can’t stop my Twitter hands.” “Get his hands, too!
Get his thumbs! Tape his thumbs.
He has Twitter thumbs.” “Tweet!”
That’s right. The White House blocked our
E.U. Ambassador Gordon Sondland from testifying
about the Ukraine scandal. Because nothing says we’ve got
nothing to hide like saying, “We got to hide Gordon.” Can we see what Gordon Sondland
looks like? Yeah. Looks like an accountant
for the Addams family. [ Laughter ] He looks like a guy
who rents a Ferrari
for his high school reunion. You know that guy? He looks like a lawyer
who claims he only collects
money ifyouget paid. You know? [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] “And I only take money
if you get paid.” Weak figure. Apparently, the Ambassador has a bunch of text messages
about Ukraine, but the State Department
won’t give them to Congress. When she heard that,
Hillary Clinton was like, “Russia, if you’re listen,
I hope you’re able to find the texts
on the Ambassador’s phone.” Oh, and get this — I heard
that when the whistle-blower testifies before Congress, they might disguise
his appearance and his voice, which means there’s
a good chance the President is about to be brought down
by guy dressed as a Minion. [ Laughter ] “Banana!” And I read that, since the
impeachment inquiry began, White House officials
have been dodging interviews about the Ukraine scandal. Apparently, they even got
their own excuse generator to come up with reasons
why they can’t talk. I’ll show you how it works. For example, when they asked
Attorney General William Barr for an interview,
he said… [ Electronic beeping ] …”I would, but I’m working
as a John Goodman impersonator.” -Oh. Well… [ Applause ] -Next, when they asked
Senator Rand Paul, he said… [ Electronic beeping ] …”I can’t move the appointment
for my perm.” -Makes sense. -You got to keep it tight.
-Yeah. -Got to keep it tight!
Tight! Tight!
-Tight! -Next, when they asked
Housing Secretary Ben Carson, he said… [ Electronic beeping ] …”I’m busy practicing for
‘Dancing with the Stars.'” -Oh, well, yeah.
-That’s going to be good. -Valid excuse. -And, finally,
when they asked Rudy Giuliani — Look at that picture.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, my God! -When they asked Rudy Giuliani
for an interview, he said… [ Electronic beeping ] …”Sorry, I’m having
a colonoscopy as we speak.” Wow! -“As we speak.” -Wow. -Something’s up. -Now, today, Trump had lunch
with Vice President Mike Pence. You can tell Trump’s
paranoid about leaks because, before the meeting,
he frisked Pence to see if he was wearing a wire. He’s like “Wow, you’re like
a Ken doll everywhere.” [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] “Mother? Mother, get in here.” Did you guys see this? China is refusing
to broadcast NBA games after the Houston Rockets’ GM
spoke out in support
of Hong Kong’s protesters. It’s a bad situation
’cause the NBA needs China to grow their fan base
and to make their shoes. -Yeah. [ Audience groans ] -It’s true, it’s true. It’s true.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-Let’s face facts. -Hey, listen to this. To save taxpayer money,
the king of Sweden just took away royal status
from five of his grandkids. For us, it’s a news story. For Eric and Don Jr.,
it’s a preview. Get this — a British man
became the first person to fly around the world
in a gyrocopter. Yep. When asked to comment
on his flight in a gyrocopter, he said, “Actually,
it’s pronounced yeero-copter. [ Laughter ] Probably… -Didn’t know that. -Probably didn’t know that.
A little over your head. So, no big deal. -Needs to spin. -It’s just, my family they’ve
always flown in yeero-copters. That’s what you call it. So…no big deal. -Yeah. -And finally, a French town
made a world record setting fruit salad that weighed
almost 23,000 pounds. When they heard about wasting
23,000 pounds of fruit, Edible Arrangements was like,
“Stay in your lane, girl.” We have a great show.

Author Since: Mar 11, 2019

  1. Who else is a Loyal Jimmy Fan?

    BTW I’m Sußßing to everÿone whô lïkes thïs cömmènt and sußsçrïbès to mē 👍

  2. As usual Jimmy Fallon is Hilarious but what the hell is wrong w/his hair? He needs to work on his fair before his show goes live lol.

  3. Trump has two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'.

    In the left side, there's nothing right.

    In the right side, there's nothing left.

  4. Amazing how none of the late night hosts ever take on Democrats. Who literally are talking about killing babies after they're born. Opening the borders to everyone who wants in, with no background checks. Censoring people who disagree with them. Confiscating firearms by force. And chopping off little boys genitals because of a left wing fad.

  5. Damn i can't wait till they bring out the liberal logic generator! Now that will be comedy gold. Dumbest shit you'll ever hear!!

  6. No not jimmy Fallon …… it’s bad enough jimmy Kimble is a sjw now we have another talk show host doing political segments 🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️

  7. I wish we could have one talk show host who didn’t talk about politics and just entertain us…you know, like Johnny Carson used to do…back in the good old days!🤷‍♀️

  8. Sondland donated $1 million to the inaugural committee of Donald Trump. On March 12, 2018, Trump selected Sondland to be the next United States Ambassador to the European Union. He's trumps boy and will never release the texts.

  9. Why are so many comments about Fallon getting political? He’s been political…how are people just finding out now? Am I in the matrix?

  10. Presenting: Atgolf Twitler's magic Hocus-POTUS show, saturated with strange, twisted Rudy awakenings. Guest appearances by Rudy Giluminati and Clown Prence Milky-Mike. Warning: Part of show may not be available as "concealing even if "perfect"" will be attempted.

  11. I can't wait to watch you snowflakes melt in 2020. Trump's voter base has almost DOUBLED since last election, his rallies are being held in stadiums, the dems are getting exposed left and right and they are panicking because they know they have nothing left and will lose badly…..which is why they just want Trump out of office. He is disrupting their plan for socialistic takeover. The media has brainwashed all of you into mental slavery and hatred for a man that is only trying to keep up safe, provide jobs, boost our military, prevent bad trade, and protect our sacred Constitutional rights. He has done so much for our veterans and farmers, conducted prison reform for inmates that deserve a second chance, is fighting to stop the flow of drugs and illegal activity from harming our citizens……and all you lemmings just say is "uuuuh, orange man is stupid…..impeach!" So sad and uniformed. Hopefully reality kicks in for some of you. Never seen so much hate, violence, lies, and filth coming from the Democrats in my life. HUGE difference between the two parties……..

  12. I'm totally straight but I want to accuse Pence of sexual harrassment the way he squints when looking at me. I'd do it for my country (ask not what your country can do for you….)

  13. Still love ya jimmy…should be called “Jimmy Fallon’s monthly making liberals feel good so I don’t lose my show” skit

  14. awww now jimmy's pandering to the left – just like the other late-night white guy hosts! i hope to hear so many more big fake laughs from him!

  15. Trump and his cult followers wouldn’t need excuses if they lived by the ethical standards they claim to live by.
    All these haters are just GOP cult followers that are still in denial.
    Currently only 28% GOP think T boy should be investigated. To deny this impeachment is to admit B. Clinton was wrongfully investigated, he had a 68% approval rating, zero deficit, and rocking economy……. and we wasted tax money on GOP collusion with Linda Trip to create a crime. Now you fake fearing retribution in this obvious case of multiple laws broken, and peace treaties being tossed to help Putin. Why? You just can’t admit your wrong.
    You cult followers are the real problem, you let this happen with blind support for an unethical con man who has become increasingly brazen about committing more crimes and disgracing our political system of checks and balances.
    Please get an education so you can understand how your being taken advantage of. Are you making lots more money???? Nope, that was his promise, we would all be sick of winning. I’m still waiting to see any winning at all, so far we’ve lost a lot!

  16. When you mess with Trump's hair, and now you're forever a bitch for the DNC. Some people need that generator: Shift, Biden, Pelosi, Hilary, Kamala, Warren… Should I keep going?

  17. This little mealy mouth ,no talent hack, never had one thing funny come out of his mouth. Just another Democrats mouth piece, who was given a late night platform, to spout out all that Socialist garbage. Dont they know a Socialist government, has never been successful. Theres a reason for that, you can't just give people everything, they have to educate and work for themselves, in order to appreciate when something is done for you. If evidence is needed, look no further than Venezuela.

  18. Yawn so boring ! Show real balls Jimmy and confront the criminal collusion between the media, big corporations and the democrat party ! You won’t because they own you

  19. No one is above the law: except like maybe documentation requests, testifying, election interference, kids in cages, withholding foreign aid……

    BUT THE WHISTLEBLOWER SHOULD BE IN JAIL FOR BETRAYING HIS COUNTRY

  20. Jimmy Fallon does a five minute bit, Republican Excuse Generator… Coming up next on NBC, the never ending democrat excuse generator. Remember everyone, orange man bad, socialism good.

  21. Guess I'll stop watching Fallon. Be nice to have a comic these wasn't one sided. Democratic shill. Too bad. Channel blocked.

  22. Reminder that it's okay to be Republican. Don't let mainstream media convince you there is only one political train to be on board with.

  23. Reporters : Is it appropriate for president to Kill someone.
    Republicans : well he didn't kill anyone. Fake news.
    Reporter : But he Admits Live on TV and there's a transcript too.
    Republicans : Still Fake news. Nothing Happened.

  24. Oh Jimmy…we will never forgive you for "humanizing" Trump by ruffling his hair on your show and asking him softball questions…oh Jimmy….

  25. Hey Jimmy, how about doing one of those on Adam Schiff, Nancy Pelosi or any of the other Democrats?
    Answer: Because you live in the Hollywood/New York bubble of leftist BS and god forbid you take any flak for having a spine and being equal in your criticism or jokes!

  26. Don't forget to vote for Jimmy to get him that People's Choice Award! We have less than 2 weeks to help him get it!!

  27. President Trump has more brains in his little pinky than Jimmy Fallon has in his whole body I can't believe anybody watches this dumb ass!

  28. Now this retard goes into Trump derangement mode?
    Trumps kicking the swamps ass, but liberal derangement runs rampant in the corrupt media…now I have to turn off THIS clown.

  29. We should demand all oblama/biden/comey/epstein/clinton/pelosi/schiff/nadler off shore account activity. We have a right to know the profits of the oblama/clinton regime ethnic cleansing and epstein pedophile crimes. Deamoncrats are the hate, rape, mass murder, and hoax humiliation of the world. Long live Trump. Trump2020

  30. This is an epstein pedophile hate and hoax deamoncrat peep show. Once the audience lights are lowered the masterbating actually increases.

  31. It was only a matter of time before Jimmy Fallon went full Leftist (NEVER go full Leftist), after years of trying to convince everyone that he wasn't. His ridiculous, un-funny jazz news bit with Kamala Harris should have been obvious enough, but I guess the buck won't stop, there. It's amazing how Leftist Hollywood can't (or won't) see what's going on right before their very eyes, and hold their own side accountable. Trump's lawyer summed up this impeachment fiasco beautifully the other day. It's available for all to read. Maybe if Fallon and his Leftist sheep herd actually stopped to read it, they might come to a better understanding of just how desperate their communist, dictatorial Democratic Party really is.

  32. I've never been able to figure out who the obnoxious guy is that Jimmy always interacts with on stage. His voice is like a mobster from the 20's, "Meaaaw see, good one Jimmy." He's a distraction that Jimmy doesn't need considering how much less funny he's become compared to Seth Meyers and Jimmy Kimmel. At least Jimmy Falon is still funnier than Stephen Colbert… for what that's worth…

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