Jimmy Gets a Rap Recap of 2020 Presidential Candidates
-Guys, this week
the White House released its budget proposal for 2020, and it calls for a record
$4.75 trillion. So between the budget
and “The Bachelor,” that’s two proposals that
definitely aren’t happening. [ Laughter and applause ]
Not happening. Jumped over the wall. -Wall.
-But in his budget proposal I saw that Trump wants to
cut spending at the Education Department by 12%.
[ Booing ] Fortunately,
after the cuts kick in, we’ll have no idea
if that’s a lot. So, I mean —
[ Laughter and applause ] “12%? That’s great.” That’s right,
Trump wants to cut the Education Department’s
budget. It’s all part of Trump’s plan to
defeat his greatest enemy, spelling.
[ Laughter and applause ] Here’s another big story. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says
that she doesn’t think Democrats should focus on impeaching
Trump because, quote, “He’s just not worth it.”
[ Laughter ] Then Trump said, [As Trump]
“I am worth it. [ Laughter ]
My L’Oréal shampoo told me so. [ Laughter and applause ]
I’m worth it.” [ Normal voice ]
But Trump’s been busy. Today, he received the Boy
Scouts Report to the Nation. The scouts talked about
how they performed over 14 million hours of service
to their communities. Then Trump sat them all down
and explained how nobody likes a show-off.
[ Laughter and applause ] [ As Trump ] “But I’m the
greatest President of all time. [ Light laughter ]
Better than anyone. I’ve done more for the Boy
Scouts –” [ Laughter ] [ Normal voice ]
Hey, guys, I want to say happy birthday to
Senator Mitt Romney who turns 72 years old today.
And — [ Cheers and applause ]
72. And this is going viral. After his staff gave him
a cake made out of Twinkies, he had a very interesting
way of blowing out his candles. I think this is real. I mean, we
didn’t do anything to it. But watch how he blew —
you see this? Watch. -♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
-Oh, my goodness. Look at this. [ Laughter ] -What? What? -Good thing that cake is made
out of Twinkies because anything else would be
stale before he’s finished. Like —
[ Laughter and applause ] I’ve never seen anything like
that, man. Some more political news. I saw that Beto O’Rourke is
headed to Iowa this weekend and some are saying that he
might announce his run for 2020. [ Cheers ]
Yeah. I got to be honest,
it’s hard keeping up with who’s actually running for
President and who is not. -It’s not that hard. Especially if you write
a helpful rap about it. -Tariq, did you write a
helpful rap about it? -You tell me.
[ Laughter ] ♪ How many people are running? ♪ ♪ Now you know
there are plenty ♪ ♪ 2020 is crazy packed
it’s a political frenzy ♪ ♪ We’ve got Warren in the race
and she’s ready to rock ♪ ♪ We’ve got Julian and Harris
pulling up on the block ♪ ♪ Cory Booker and Delaney
have the ball game locked ♪ ♪ And Bernie’s back again he’s
looking like he got shot ♪ ♪ We’ve got Williamson and
Klobuchar and Gabbard and Yang ♪ ♪ Buttigieg and Hickenlooper
have the funniest names ♪ ♪ Howard Schultz is independent
he’s the Starbucks guy ♪ ♪ I don’t know if he’ll run
but give me one Venti Chai ♪ ♪ There’s also Gillibrand and
Inslee this is quite a barrage ♪ ♪ And then Beto’s there
and Biden gives a massage ♪ ♪ It’s only 2019
and it’s anyone’s guess ♪ ♪ Oh, and we’re still waiting
to hear from Mr. Kanye West ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -That was helpful. Thank you,
Tariq. I appreciate it. [ Light laughter ]
Did you guys hear about this? Today, the FBI
arrested a bunch of parents who paid other people
to take the S.A.T. and A.C.T. for their kids.
[ Audience “Ohs” ] Then 99% of the NFL and NBA
were like, “Yeah, that’s crazy. [ Laughter and applause ]
Who would do that?” Some entertainment news. For the first time
in “Bachelor” history, there were no women left leading
into tonight’s finale. [ Laughter ] So I think we can all
finally understand why Colton has been
a virgin this long. [ Laughter ]
He had 30 women to choose from. [ Applause ] Well, guys, this very
interesting, a lot of people are placing bets
on when Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s baby
will be born. People all around the world
are very curious about the royal baby. So now for more on this story
we go to our annoying British correspondent,
Nigel Duffy. Thank you for being here.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Mm-hmm, good.
-Nigel. -Yeah, very good, yes, mm-hmm. Yes, delighted to be here,
Jimmy. My heart is beating
900 times per minute simply from the thrill I feel
discussing the royal family. [ Laughter ]
-That’s weird. Now, Nigel — [ Laughter ]
What can you tell us about the new royal baby-to-be?
-Very good. Yes, everyone is speculating
over when the new royal baby will be born. Some believe
it will be born in April, while others believe
it will be born in October. [ Laughter ]
-There’s no way the baby will be born in October, that
would be a 15-month pregnancy. -Yes, that’s far too long,
my mistake. [ Laughter ]
-Okay what else can you tell us, Nigel?
-Mm-hmm, yes. Whoopsie-poopsie. Yes, custard pie.
[ Laughter ] Very good, yes.
Everyone is speculating over what the royal baby’s
first meal will be. Some believe it’ll be milk,
while others believe it’ll be a burrito bowl
from Chipotle. [ Laughter ]
♪ Guac-a-by baby ♪ -All right, thank you. The royal baby’s first meal will
not be from Chipotle. -You’re right. It’s the royal
family. So Burger King. [ Laughter ]
-No. -Dairy Queen.
-No, look, Nigel, I’m very annoyed with you
right now. You’re very, very annoying.
-Mm-hmm, yes, that a boy. There we are. Very good.
Scuffly-duffly. [ Laughter ]
-Why don’t we talk about something else, okay? I heard that the Queen
just made her first Instagram post a few days ago.
What can you tell us about that? -Yes, very good. Timbly-nimbly.
Christmas pudding, yes. [ Laughter ]
Everyone is speculating over what the Queen’s next
Instagram post will be. Some believe it will be
a photo of her slam dunking a basketball
with her tongue out. While others believe it will be
her taking a duck-face selfie with the caption, “Yas, Queen.”
[ Laughter ] -Nigel, maybe you can talk to us
a little bit about Brexit. -I’m sorry?
[ Laughter ] -Brexit.
-What is a Brexit? Is that a member
of the royal family? [ Laughter ]
-Brexit is the UK’s decision — -Yes.
-To leave the European Union. -Bipply-Bop.
Yes, double-decker bus. [ Laughter ]
[ Nigel talks over Jimmy ] -They agreed on a deal but so
far the British Parliament has voted against it.
[ Laughter ] -Fuddy-Duddy.
-Now the Prime Minister is trying to convince members to
vote “Yes” on a deal before — -Rickety-Poo, yes.
-The U.K. leaves the E.U. — -Wangle-badangle, yes.
-Which is scheduled to happen in just a few weeks.
-[ Indiscernible ] -Do you have any thoughts on —
what’s that? -What’s that.
-Do you have any thoughts on that?
-Oh, no, I don’t but I will be doing a book signing at Chipotle
tomorrow morning. -Get out of here!
[ Laughter and applause ] Nigel Duffy, get lost! Go!
Get out! Get him out of here. [ Applause ] This isn’t good —
you guys, Chef Boyardee has recalled almost 3,000 pounds
of microwaveable chicken and rice because they contain
beef ravioli. [ Laughter ] Even more upsetting the Chef
Boyardee spokesman kept using air quotes
when he said the word “beef.” [ Laughter and applause ] I read that
a growing number of breweries are trying to make
beer healthier. Sounds like a good idea
until you’re at a party and someone hands you
a kale pale ale. [ Laughter ] And finally, I heard about
an app named “Calm” that is supposed to help you
fall asleep where Matthew McConaughey reads you
a bedtime story. [ Laughter ]
Every story ends with [ As McConaughey ] “Good night,
good night, good night.” [ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ] [ Normal voice ] I’d do that.