Democratic Candidates Over Age 70 Polling as Frontrunners for 2020 Election
-We have a great show tonight. Greg Kinnear
is my guest tonight. [ Cheers and applause ] Phoebe Waller-Bridge is here.
-Oh! [ Cheers and applause ] -Phoebe stars in the hit
comedy series “Fleabag,” which is also the name
of a hotel near Penn Station. -Oh.
[ Laughter ] -Let’s get to some news. A new poll about the 2020
election just came out. And it shows Joe Biden,
Elizabeth Warren, and Bernie Sanders
are leading the pack, even though they’re all
over 70 years old. So far the only thing
they agree on is that the next debate
should be at 4:30. [ Laughter ] Little late. Not everyone’s doing so well. A poll also found
that Bill de Blasio is polling lower than 1%. That’s horrible.
-That’s bad. -To give you an idea
how bad that is, that’s polling lower than kale. [ Laughter ] That’s how low —
That’s how low that is. He’s polling so low. -How low is he polling? [ Laughter ] -He’s polling lower
than that squirt of water that comes out
of your ketchup bottle. -Whoa! -That’s lower than sliding
into damp bowling shoes. That is lower than having a “Q”
and no “U” in Scrabble. -Ooh. -That’s lower than filming
concerts with an iPad. You know what I’m saying?
Like, no one likes that! Speaking of long shots,
another Democrat, Andrew Yang, just released a Spotify playlist
of his “favorite jams.” When they asked other candidates
for their favorite jams, Bernie Sanders was like,
“Strawberry Smucker’s!” [ Laughter ]
“Marmalade!” [ Applause ] I saw that
Andrew Yang’s playlist includes the song
“Don’t You (Forget About Me),” which is cool ’cause that’s also
his campaign slogan. -Oh, really?
[ Laughter ] -Too late.
All right, anyway. Well, another new poll
in New Hampshire found that seven of the 2020
candidates are polling at 0%. So we did some digging. And it turns out there are a lot
of other political polls with some alarming results. I’ll show you what I mean. For example, when asked, “What’s the best presidential
ticket to defeat Trump?” 20% said, “Biden and Kamala,”
20% said, “Bernie and Booker,” and 60% said, “Hobbs and Shaw.” -Oh.
[ Laughter ] -Alarming. Next up, when asked, “Where do you see Pete Buttigieg
in one year?” 50% said, “Still campaigning.” The other 50% said,
“Playing Kevin McCallister in Disney’s remake
of ‘Home Alone.'” -Oh. Really? [ Applause ] -Then when a poll asked,
“What chance do we have of balancing the budget
within a decade?” 33% said, “0% chance,”
33% said, “less than 0% chance, 34% said, “The same chance
Bill de Blasio has of being elected president.” [ Laughter, applause ] Damp bowling shoes. Here’s another one. When asked, “What’s the biggest
threat facing our nation?” 10% said, “a trade war
with China,” 10% said, “Iran,” and 80% said, “Burger King’s
new meatless Whopper.” [ Laughter ] Finally when asked, “Do you think Joe Biden
has trouble communicating?” 99% said, “yes,”
while Joe Biden said, “For my answer,
go to Joe 30330 or 303330.” Hey, get this. It just came out that the new
season of “American Crime Story” will be about
the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal. -Ooh.
-Sounds good. Monica will be played
by Beanie Feldstein. Linda Tripp will be played
by Sarah Paulson. And the blue dress
will be played by the white and gold dress. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Who’s the director of that show? -Laurel. [ Laughter ] -Some more TV news —
In an interview this week, Marie Kondo admitted that sometimes her own house
can get a little messy. -Ooh. -Really? Marie Kondo has a messy house. That’s like Oprah saying,
“Can I have a ride? I don’t have a car.” Guys, the number-one movie
in the country is still “Fast & Furious
Presents: Hobbs & Shaw.” These movies are huge. In fact, the franchise
is doing so well, they’ve already announced
some brand-new sequels. Check out this promo
I saw today. -“Hobbs & Shaw”
is just the beginning for the “Fast & Furious”
franchise. Coming in 2020, there’s “Fast & Furious
Presents: Hobbs & Shaw II,” “Hobbs & Shaw Present:
Fast & Furious 11,” “Fast & Hobbs
vs. Furious & Shaw,” “2 Hobbs 2 Shaw,” “Hobbs Shaw,” “& Shaw &,” “Hobbs & Furious,” “Fast & & Presents:
Shaw Furious &,” “Fobbs & Fhaw,”
“2 Hast, 2 Shurious,” and “Fast & Furious 12:
Tokyo Drift.” -Yeah, unbelievable.
That’s exciting. -Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Hey, guys, it’s August,
which means a lot of people are trying to sneak in some
last-minute summer vacations. I mean, sometimes
you don’t even realize people are out of the office until you get
their away message. Do you know what
I’m talking about, Tariq? -Ha, ha.
Absolutely, Jimmy. You are correct. [ Light laughter ] -Come on.
Let me guess. Tariq’s on vacation,
so he’s replaced himself with a cardboard cutout. -Ha, ha.
No, I am not a cardboard cutout. It’s me, the real Tariq. -Tariq, that’s clearly not true.
These lines are all prerecorded. -My lines are not prerecorded. I’m the real Tariq
from The Roots. And I’m definitely not
on vacation in the Galapagos. [ Laughter ] -Okay, fine, if these lines
aren’t prerecorded, you should be able to answer
anything I ask. What’s seven plus seven? -14. -What’s seven times seven? -48, wait, no, 49. -Wow, I guess
I’m just seeing things. I am sorry I doubted you, Tariq. -It’s okay, Jimmy. At first, when you suggested
I was a cardboard cutout, I was offended. In fact, I was so flustered, I had trouble answering
a simple math problem. [ Light laughter ]
-I apologize. -Thank you. You know, this job can be
pretty stressful sometimes, which is why I snuck away
to the Galapagos. -That’s fine.
Everyone needs a break here. Wait a second. -Wait, no, 49, 48. Wait, no, 49, 48. Wait, no, 49, 48. Wait, no, 49, 48. Wait, no, 49, 48. Wait, no, 49, 48. Wait, no, 49, 48. Wait, no, 49, 48. Wait, no, 49, 48. Wait, no, 49, 48. Wait, no, 49, 48. Wait, no, 49, 48. Wait, no, 49, 48. Wait, no, 49, 48. Wait, no, 49, 48.
-All right. Very good. Yeah, we — Turn his mic down?
Thanks. This is crazy. A guy in California
who went to jail for pretending to be a doctor just got his medical license
in the Caribbean and is now an actual doctor
here in the U.S. Meanwhile, his patient was like, “Okay, not the best story
to tell during my prostate exam. But still, good for you.
Congratulations.” And finally, people
in Los Angeles are upset that one of their neighbors
painted giant emojis on the front of their house. Look at this.
This is a real photo. Yeah. It’s getting pretty tense. This morning, the owner opened
their door and found this. Yeah, we have a great show,